DISPATCHES FROM FLAVOR COUNTRY — 090120
A lot of attention focused on Ted Kennedy’s seizure during the inaugural luncheon. Not as focused on, Sen. Robert Byrd taken out in a wheelchair, not for medical reasons, but because he was “emotional”. Emotional? Now why would this aging Democrat be emotional?
Wait … is this the same Robert Byrd who wrote a letter to his senator several years back?
“I shall never fight in the armed forces with a Negro by my side… Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds.”
Goddamn, the President pro tem of the Senate has actually been a Democratic senator long enough to have been a member of the party when they were still turning hoses on jungle bunnies for wanting to drink at the same water fountains as white folks!
To be fair, he wrote that 65 years ago; we can only dream of being embarrassed by indiscretions of our youths at 91. Still though, “emotional” seems an odd choice of words. It’s one of those words people use when there’re juicy details that need obscuring.
In my mind, the scene went down like this: Everybody’s enjoying a lovely crab bisque, the senator’s assistant is spoon-feeding him and wiping bits of Waldorf salad off the Armani tuxedo. Slowly, Byrd’s eyes start to dilate. His breath grows shorter and he begins turning red. He’s shaking in his chair as his neighbors wonder if they should call somebody. Suddenly, he stands bolt upright from his wheelchair and screams at the top of his lungs:
“SWEET MARY MOTHER OF MERCY, HOW THE FUCK DID A NIGGER GET ELECTED PRESIDENT?!”
Dead silence in the ballroom. A few scattered coughs. Arlen Specter calls over a waiter and whispers, “I’ll have what he’s having.”
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i’m bored of inauguration talk. Here’s what’s important to me: antiperspirant.
Have you ever gone looking for unscented antiperspirant? i have. And not in that “look in two places and give up” kind of looking either. i have scoured every drug store, big box store, supermarket, 7-11, carniceria (where, it turns out, they do not sell toiletries - but i did pick up six pounds of what i believe to be chorizo) and 99 Cent store in the greater Hollywood area and only yesterday, after nearly 10 months of searching, did i find three sticks.
What the eff? i mean, i realize i’m a smoker and my sense of smell has been deadened by years of abuse, but does absolutely everybody wear that shit? There are Sport scents and Ice scents and Thunder scents and Extreme scents and Original scents and Sixth scents (which as we all know, smells like dead people … what, too soon?) and, honestly, they all smell like you’re freebasing lemon Pledge. My smell nauseates me when i use them, but i have to because i am marginally less nauseated than when i DON’T use them.
So which is it? Either my nose works fine and everyone around me secretly botoxed their sweat glands or my olfactory nerves are deadened and everybody else in America smell like a leprechaun vomited into their armpit.
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So, apparently The Kids spend more time on Facebook than they do searching for porn. i’ve got a great deal more to say about this, but it can wait for tomorrow. Right now, i’ma go jerk off.
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You think that i am joking and i am. But also, I AM NOT. i am posting this and then i am going to jerk off. Because i don’t do shit halfway. i just don’t.
dr. chan resides in Hollywood, CA. His login on www.trannysurprise.com is HardDrinknBuddha.